July 17th, 2004

Time: 06:10 pm

I wonder if this will work... Im trying to put up pictures... Im trying to be all computer-y, Im not sure if I can do it... ( KEOKI )

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July 12th, 2004

Current Music: Bob Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited Time: 10:40 am Current Mood: calm

K, so my little precious' name is officially KEOKI, always spell with all caps. I can't even sleep at night until he falls asleep, so I play with him while we watch movies early into the morning, till one of us passes out, one of us wakes up to check on the other, etc... and that is our life now. But he takes cat naps, and I don't, so he's fine, and I'm sleeeeepy. Yawn. This isn't doing much to help me get over my jetlag. meow. I can't remember when I'm supposed to work today. Ever seen Party Monster?

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July 10th, 2004

Time: 06:02 pm

aahhhhh! I got a kitten today!! He is the greatest, so precious, soft and tiny and white and he gives me kisses and gnaws on my fingers. I'm thinking about the names Bobbit and Bartholemieu... what do you guys think? I want to post pictures of the little guy, does anyone know good picture site things I can use??? Meeeeoooowww! xoxo

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February 3rd, 2004

Current Music: bright eyes Time: 05:57 pm Current Mood: busy

I am at the internet place just down the street from my apartment. I just got out of class and the first thing I saw in the fading blue sky, the first azure sky I have seen yet, was a nearly full moon lighting up the blues around it, a white sheen around it, pulsing like it was breathing. I walked home quickly so I could see my roommates. We are going to go out for dinner for Feddys birthday later. I chain smoked seven cigarettes last night after some email controversy that I am trying to push out of mind. I didnt even notice that I smoked that much because I was writing in my Magic Journal and trying not to cry. Later my roommates and I went out for gelato. Feddy is in love and I tried to convince everyone that Love doesnt exist, although now my Mythology class likes to prove me wrong. It was warm today and I had a busy day. I feel like I have been here forever. I feel like some people only think about one thing. I feel like I think about too many. I like the narrow sidewalks. I love the bikes. I am a capuccino addict and dont care. I love the way I always remember my dreams here and that my headaches are minimal. Once someone sliced open my head and carved out my brain with a spoon and coated it with butter and jam, took a bite and didnt like it, so they put in back in. Sometimes now it slides around. I miss you all xoxo

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January 21st, 2004

Current Music: "something vague" Bright Eyes Time: 11:03 pm Current Mood: morose

I like to listen to this song on repeat when I'm sad. Oh it makes me sadder in one way but the more I listen to it, it makes me want to fly from a bridge, fall like a leaf, drifting and floating and never forgetting. It makes me remember a lot of things that I like to forget and it makes me want to write beautiful words. It makes me almost feel like I'm standing on air too. I'm leaving in five days. If you want my new phone number, address, or email, tell me. I think I'll still be updating this bastard too though. I've seen everyone which makes me sad to be here alone at my house when I just want to be at Emerson with all my friends. It made me so so so so happy to see them all, my Lulu and Chloe and Syd and Nat and Rock and Roll and Moon and Brad played Skip Bo (though Lulu didn't play because she is anti) and it was so great and lovely and I was happy! I haven't broken into a smile since I left there earlier today (except when I was with Breasty getting coffee an hour ago). My mouth won't move from this frown till I'm back there tomorrow. I'm picking up my new Italian passport tomorrow, yeah I'm an Italian citizen, jealous? I kinda really want to get out of here and the hell I have created for myself and every hole that I have dug and jumped into and just start over, but I'm kinda just really scared to let go of so much. But I'm so close to not even caring about anything, I mean, not caring in the sense of my emotions getting in the way. My emotions have been taking over my brain and body for too long and I'm at the point of repressing them so much that they may just disappear and not bother me for a while. But which is better, to not feel at all, or to feel too much? Especially if the feeling is bad...? Whatev, there's nothing I can do now. But I like just hanging around Emerson with nothing to do. It's fun and relaxing. People say hi to me. I smile. I forget. I need to go write a poem and get some sleep. Ciao.

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January 10th, 2004

Time: 01:13 pm

Livejournal makes me really sad for some reasons I'm not gonna tell you about, everytime I look at my friends pages... I want to see the Rembrant exhibit right now at the MFA but everyone is taking so long to get ready, and for once I was up early! My beautiful computer deleted my script, I mean it was only one page long but it was stellar. That made me sad. I rented a bunch of movies from the library today. Em Frost, the best person in this world, came to Kendall with me last night, we went to the Garment District and saw Girl With A Pearl Earring, which was nothing compared to the book, I didn't like the movie, but Em Frost did, if you want to discuss it with me for a long time call me about it, I had some very strong opinions about it; then we went to Ethans and went to visit Dave at J.P. Licks where he works. I think Dave liked Em Frost. Em Frost saw a girl from her school that she knew, her name's Nina, I didn't believe Em Frost that she knew her. We sat there for a good hour at least drinking the finest of hocho. It was a great time, and I was with two of the greatest people ever! It was deathly cold, and by deathly I mean deadly. The walk nearly killed us all in seven minutes! But I got a number for my student visa! That is good. p.s. I'm quitting smoking again, for now. I have like two weeks left here. I want to cry.

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January 8th, 2004

Current Music: I have a song stuck in my head, but it's like a combination Time: 03:30 pm Current Mood: breathless

This feeling just swept over me, started yestarday, night I think, makes me want to call a doctor. I'm getting nervous and anxious about leaving. I really don't want to and really do want to, but either way I am going. Meanwhile in Hell things are burning and the flamethrower and horned midget live under my bed and speak dirty, like to torment me. I have been watching movies up the wazoo. I watched The Others last night, it scared me a lot, that meant that I couldn't sleep till some daylight, watched 24 Hour Party People after I got bored of cutting up shirts. Marc and I see good movies, we go on adventures, we drink a lot of coffee, or I do, he gave up coffee and cigarettes and liquor, drink lots of coffee to get rid of headaches and swallow large amounts of advil to keep away future headaches. I feel like I have a brain tumor. I don't talk to most of my friends besides Marc. I did go to a girlie sleepover with my newly changed self, to practice it out on people, a success for the most part. I don't really like seeing people besides Marc and Ethan though. I went on a vacation to New Hampshire with Ethan and two of his NY friends over New Years. Good get away. Rediscovered my love for ice skating. Snowy woods. Saunas!! Waffles. Lots of movies. It was great for the most part. Upon returning I suffered a mild breakdown. Out of control for one night, made some changes, got over it, I had some very vivid dreams in NH though, clearifying, refreshing. I'm making a movie. I need someone to let me borrow their digital video camera...? Anyone? Though by the time I'm done with the script the semester will probably have started so it may have to wait till summer. I'm getting married. Don't tell too many people, because there is a chance I might back down. I have to go in to Boston to get my Student Visa, for the second time, tonight/tomorrow, suck. And it suddenly got very cold. I want to start a movement, who's with me? I have some plans that I think will work. I want Ethan to come back to Boston and I want the firestarters hiding in my room to let me know their secret, and I'll tell them mine. I made this pair of wings, but they don't let you fly, they look pretty and feel powerful. If there is someone who would like to hang out with me, who is up for fun and adventures, call me, because I need to get out and up up and away.

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December 27th, 2003

Time: 04:25 pm

So maybe Christmas wasn't so great after all, despite the magical beginning. A Chinese woman who works with my mom came over for dinner. I liked her very much. She made Chinese dumplings, vegetarian, just for me! I made a fabulous salad, with cranberries, pears, organic greens, onions, tomatoes, cucumbers, cheeses! The Chinese woman taught us how to play Mah John or something, some Chinese game sort of like Rummy Cub. Then me, my mom and her went to see Mona Lisa Smile, which was an excellent movie. It all sounds good so far, but the tone inside my house on this day was too robotic. Everyone in my house is instantly automatic, we are all robots here. Which is why I couldn't stand to be here on Christmas. I think I painted in my room and talked to the Chinese woman most of the day. When me and my mom were in the car alone together (alone together - ha) we said but three words to eachother. And why can't I drink coffee at nine at night? If I want to! The TV is on as long as Lucas is awake, and then he calls me unproductive! Bah! And I don't crack a smile all day, unless it's in my room with my music and my life, or with a friend outside somewhere far away. Grinchy grinchy grinch grinch. Enough of that! XmasXdanceX was held at my house last night. It was a bust, sort of. Unfortunate I know. You might not have known that I was famous for my dance parties in high school. This time there was minimal dancing. There were too many moods present. Not everyone clicked the way we usually do. But we did our present swap

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December 25th, 2003

Time: 12:23 pm

Merry Merry Everyone! I feel pretty good about this Xmas, and I feel pretty good about feeling pretty good about it. Last night was an amazing way to celebrate the holiday I have increasingly more and more issues with. I went out with Marc Breast in the evening and I asked him if he went to church on Christmas, he responded that he was thinking about going to a midnight mass, but had no one to go with (hint hint). Nearly jumping out of the passenger seat, I said, "I would love to go!" A suprising response on my part, because I have never liked church, besides the singing part, because it makes me feel uncomfortable with so much talk about God... But nonetheless we were really excited about it, and we decided to go home and get dressed up for it. He picked me up a little bit later, all spiffied up, and we drove in town to attend the mass at some huge ass church in the South End. Hehe, but we left half way through because it seemed more like a funeral than a Happy Christmas Celebration! I felt like we were eloping or something running out of the church giggling, falling over, spinning in circles, magical really. And it was then that the christmas spirit hit us! Ha! I can't believe I just said that! We wondered around the streets for a while looking for anything that was open, and we came across the South Street Diner, OPEN! Joy! Best place to be at 1:00 Christmas morning, surrounded by drunk happiness waitresses and omlettes and coffee and ugly people in santa hats! Marc knows some of the waitresses there - he knows everyone! We sang along to the juke box, I don't wanna work, I just want to bang on these drums all day. Best ever. The night before, I went to the MFA with Katie J, Raghida, and Ethan, it was cool. Lucky lucky KJ and Gida gets to meet my Ethan! Hoorah! Then we went home for carolling!!! Third annual Christmas Carolling the Joyce's! I love doing that, it's so fun, and it was super warm too! It was the Joyce's, the Frost's, Amy, and some of the neighbors. Then we hung around at Katie's realizing that we didn't remenisce that much, but we really did, but wanted to pretend that we didn't, and planned our trips to Europe, and ate cookies, and taught me about the different kinds of nuts in the nut bowl, and spooned in Katie J's big bed! I shut off all the clocks in my room. I'm trying not to pay attention to time. It's very very difficult. But since usually I don't need to be somewhere at some specific time, it shouldn't matter. It's really hard though. And the Winter Solstice Celebration went well, really well. My three best girlfriends showed up, the best people to share with, the best people to inspire me... it was beautiful! I wish you all could have been there too! xoxo!

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December 22nd, 2003

Current Music: Future Bible Heroes Time: 06:02 pm Current Mood: creative

Happy Winter Solstive Everyone! This is a very important day: keep this in mind please. The Sun is renewed today, oh and what a wonderful that makes today! Because as it gains in strength and light, so can We. Let today be the beginning of something amazing, something truly great! Here are some words to think about: Renewal Awakenings (not the book not the movie) Light Rebirth If you are a man, today is a day of great Power for you. Use it wisely. Become a better person. Hell, it's almost Christmas, tell someone you love them. Like that almost last scene in POTC, where Will says that beautiful sentence to Elizabeth, "I should have told you everyday from the day I met you, I love you." I love you all! And Misses all around. I bet you're all devestated that you can't be attending my Winter Solstice Celebration. hehe

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December 16th, 2003

Current Music: (international) noise conspiracy Time: 12:48 pm Current Mood: anxious

no sleep = funfunfun having to pack = not really wanting to having having to finish service piece by today = really not wanting to taking the train back to westwood = yeah this has been a great extended weekend. I stayed in and did my own thing, I had coffee with Mike who tried to teach me to be more like him, changing and in control. All that really matters right now is that I feel in control of myself, it's really a lot harder than it sounds, but I'm getting the hang of it now that I'm not so stessed out. Ethan and I had two sleepovers in a row, one at his house and one at mine. I hope he had fun over here with my friends, because I really want him to like my friends and get along with them. We watched "Secretary" which was a great movie! and earlier that night Ryan, Merideth and I saw "Die Mommie Die" also a great film, so funny! And the other day some one off the street gave us a hand fun of tickets for Def Poetry jam, so Ryan, Merideth and I went and it was so funny and awesome, but we were like the only white people in the audience, big change yeah, but it was great. I should be packing up the rest of my stuff. Oh man, I'm seeing Return of the King tonight with Rock and Roll Michael!!! I can't wait! I'm so sick of this place by now, but I'm getting so sad to leave at the same time. Bye bye...

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December 11th, 2003

Current Music: Bjork Time: 12:46 am Current Mood: bouncy

I just had to do another one, this one is funnier! Band: Mindless Self Indulgence 1. Are you male or female? Bitches 2. Describe yourself: Diabolical 3. How do some people feel about you? Holy Shit! 4. How do you feel about yourself? I'm Your Problem Now 5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend/interest: Panty Shot 6. Where would you rather be? Planet of the Apes 7. Describe what you want to be: I Hate Jimmy Page 8. Describe how you live: Like Shit 9. Describe how you love: Ready for Love 10. Share a few words of wisdom: Step Up, Ghetto Blaster

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December 10th, 2003

Current Music: deftones Time: 12:36 am Current Mood: accomplished

Lulu made me do this and it was really pretty fun, she stole it from Trevor. The answers have to be the titles of songs from one band. I didn't really realize that you only had to take the title name into consideration, so I was all listening to the songs and then deciding, which made the process more fun but also harder and a lot longer. Then Lulu told me that was wrong, so I changed some of them so you would all understand, whatev. I'm done studying for Brit Lit, it sucks, we might fail. Who cares? Band: Deftones 1. Are you male or female? Teenager 2. Describe yourself: Rickets 3. How do some people feel about you? Lucky You 4. How do you feel about yourself? Nosebleed 5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend/interest: Needles and Pins 6. Where would you rather be? In the House of Flies 7. Describe what you want to be: Elite 8. Describe how you live: Headup 9. Describe how you love: Deathblow 10. Share a few words of wisdom: Be Quite and Drive But today was a much better day overall. I got to see Marc Breast and Ethan! Wow, what a day. And I got all that Magazine Writing crap done before class, good thing, so I figured I could relax today. Tomorrow is going to be hell squared.

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December 9th, 2003

Current Music: yo la tengo Time: 12:26 am Current Mood: crappy

This is pretty much the way I feel now, keep in mind the melody too, because that is important too: Regular exposure to insecticide has caused me to break out in hives. I'm losing weight. I cannot wait till Saturday... cuz on Saturday, my tax deductions make me function like a blue collar... white collar...? ...I don't know -so I gotta hollar "Oh! Oh Goddamnit! I think I've lost it! Oh God! Goddamnit, I think I've lost you! Anti-oxidants have got me causing accidents because my wine is spiked with pomegranite. If you've got just one, then slam it. Shot down -it's just such a shame. I bet you feel no pain. Mercy! Expect a rivalry. Shot down -it's just such a shame. I'm losing at this game. No fair! Why don't you seem to care. Lack of consequence has got me making decisions based upon truth or dare decision making. No faking. I end up taking karate. She's naughty... I call shotty! My body will never live up to these expectations... I still make invitations. Oh! Oh Goddamnit. I think I've lost it and I think that I've lost you. p.s. thanks to my wonderful roommate for listening to me, it's really wonderful to have people who want to help you through things, and to Breasty for talking to (I miss you much!)

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December 8th, 2003

Current Music: Belle and Sebastian Time: 01:23 pm Current Mood: Plagued

Yestarday was one of the worser days in a while. That's disappointing, because I thought I was better at handling things like that by now. But I guess I still need to work on it more. Today feels better, though I have already slept through my first class... Yestarday my dad called me to give me a little pep talk, try to cheer me up about school, and it was like 5% encouraging, 90% appriciated, but it made me not feel so guilty, which I think was one of the things that was carrying the heaviest. Ick, I guess it's just my lifestyle that sickens me, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, and I guess there is no way to ever know, that really bothers me. I want to be home where I can blame things like this on something else, things are simpler and I can push things out of my mind without feeling guilty and it won't even matter, time is slowed down.

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December 5th, 2003

Current Music: mates of state Time: 08:46 pm Current Mood: frustrated

Ick, so much terrible terrible work to do. It's Friday night alone in my room (that sounds like the lyrics of some sad pop ballad) and I keep not writing the two pages I said I had to write. I will do it. Last night Syd, Abby, and I went to see The Rapture and it was pretty awesome cept for the annoying gayeuromafiadudes all up in my what. Out of my way! They were so much better than I expected, actually better than I remember liking them. There was a lot of dancing, by me and the gay men, and I really like getting all sweaty at concerts. I like walking once I've been all sweaty and it's all cold out and it chills you! Anti-smoking Slogans Syd and I thought up on our way home: Smokings a bore in 2004 Smokin ain't jive in 2005 Smokings for dicks in 2006 Smokin won't get you to heaven in 2007 Smokin won't get you a mate in 2008 (is that the one? I think it may have been different...) If you be smokin in 2009, you so won't be mine! (So don't think that was it) 2010 Hey, didn't we tell you to quit in 2007, not 2011 foo! (something like that) 2012 Smokin's mean in 2013 Smokin will bounce you like a mexican jumpin bean in 2014 Smokin ain't keen in 2015 2016 2017 (why can't I remember those two???) 2018 2019 (or those???) That smokin carton better be empty in 2020 Smokin's not fun in 2021 Shoe and Lu! you better not still be smoking in 2022 Ahh I can't remember the rest or the ones I left blank, but I'm pretty sure we got up to 2030 or something. Syd if you remember them you should add them! Good times trying to stay warm on Newbury Street! much love

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December 2nd, 2003

Time: 09:16 pm

Ahha! I've got Pirates of the Caribbean!!! But it's cold! I have decided I hate winter. Who would come to a Solstice Party? I'm going to have one. Down with Christmas. and stick it to the Man, kids.

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Current Music: yo la tengo Time: 02:08 am Current Mood: wired

Ok, even though I'm over it now, I was effin pissed because Newbies was closed when I went there to get POTC on DVD tonight! Because they usually stay open till 12:30 on Mondays but not tonight... so sad! And I have boycotted Virgin because they suck. I have to go back tomorrow before the screening partay! Umm, I don't know, I have a lot of energy right now and Lu said she's gonna pull an all nighter which isn't sounding like such a bad idea, I have a lot of work to do but I doubt I'll do it tonight. What do you think would happen to me if I fail out of school? Eep, this is really scary and I only have two weeks to get on track. This is not going to happen! I found the prettiest lamp when walking back from Newbury Street today though, it was in front of the Four Seasons and it's porcelain or something and has some Asian-esque drawings on it. I put a red light bulb in it and it's supersexy. That is all.

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November 29th, 2003

Current Music: Peaches Time: 03:31 pm Current Mood: good

Hey it snowed today! Earlier Amy and I went running at Hale and this white small round pebbly stuff starts falling, but it's really windy so we figured that hey it must just be stuff falling from trees or something. But then I was like, no, wait, hey, this is most certainly snow! And indeed it was! Then it started getting wetter so prove that it was so snow. We rejoyced. Then it stopped. It was pretty cool though, I think it's the first snow of the year too. My mom finally got her new car yestarday and it's way cool! Finally I can listen to music while driving, plus CDs and this car doesn't have seisured when you push on the brake. It's a Corolla, and it's hawt. On fire. I like to drive it, though it makes me a little nervous too because I'm afraid I'll mess it up or something. So last night I went to Amy's to bake cakes for Shelley and Raghida's birthdays (Happy birthday girls!) and we made the BEST boob cakes ever! Because they are really obsessed with their boobs and Shelley has really big ones and Raghida has really small ones so it's funny, but we ended up making them the same size, because it just worked out that way. They are so cool though, I should try to post pictures when I get back to school. Then all my friends, we just hung out at Amy's lounging on her big bed and trying to plan a backpacking trip across Europe - which you know will never happen, but we are big daydreamers... We then went to Mett Gida and Heejin and Dunkies and Kim and Lauren were there too! And everyone came to the conclusion that they didn't want to go clubbing for the birthdays but didn't know what else to do. I know there is gonna be so much drama tonight, I'm not going to go out with them, it would be a big mess and I'm having a sleep over with someone. I'm a pretty bad friend because I even forgot that this weekend was their birthdays! Ow! P.S. POTC is coming out on DVD Tuesday and I'm throwing a party at Raghida's Tuesday night to screen it!! It's gonna be awesome, and you might be able to come if you ask me... (that's a little invitation) I think I'm ready to go back to school!

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November 27th, 2003

Current Music: Muse on Cecelia Time: 09:08 pm Current Mood: aggravated

One of the things that annoys me MOST: When you have the door closed (and it's probably closed for a reason, right?) and someone softly knocks and opens it and just pokes their head in to ask you some really dumb question and they don't close it when they're done with their nonsense, or leave it just a crack open so it bugs you! That's what I hate, then you have to get up and close it yourself. People. I love my Cece for two reasons: 1.) I always feel like I'm in a movie, with music always playing in the background and stuff 2.) So when parents are bugging you you don't have to listen - or they get the point and stop talking to you Genius. I want to watch The Velvet Goldmine now. I always forget why we celebrate Thanksgiving... could someone remind me.

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